Some days I wish I were invisible. So let me just preface by saying that if you can't handle me complaining and whining a little bit- then you should just stop reading right now. Because this post is just purely me venting.
I have had a few health scares this week. And now that they are calming down a little bit- I guess I feel more comfortable talking about them a little more. But I have been doing quite a few tests for a cancer scare. THANK HEAVENS the cancer screening came back ok- but that leaves things up in the air as to what is going on. Needless to say- it has been on my mind quite a bit. I have been dealing with the stupid insurance company who doesn't want to cover the testing (because the results were negative) they would cover it if I actually was diagnosed. Which drives me crazy because I have been referred to another endocrinologist for more tests and I am afraid to go and do that- because I can't afford for insurance to not cover me. Anyhow combine that with my own clumsiness... I was doing laundry and I tripped and fell on the stairs and messed up my ankle really good. Black and Blue and crazy swollen. I was feeling pretty picked on this week.
My husband and I have been working like crazy out in the yard to get things looking good for summer and trying to get our garden planted. I was having a hard time because I could hardly walk, and trying to pull weeds and plant was harder than it would have been. The kids were in their glory and getting into everything. Which frankly I feel like is WAY good for them. Elijah was throwing the dirt and digging with his little shovel and every once in awhile he would get a mouthful, which just made me smile. He was loving it. All was well with the world. It was getting pretty late- and time for dinner. I needed to go to the store and figure out what to fix. Even though it hurt like crazy to walk that much- I brushed the dirt off of our clothes. Wiped the kids faces off- and went to the store. I realize that we looked like we had been working out in the yard all day. But hey- we had been working out in the yard all day. Anyhow- I get in line to pay for my groceries and there is a man in front of us who just can't stop giving us dirty looks. I mean REALLY dirty looks. I am somewhat used to it. My family seems to draw a lot of attention wherever we go. And to some extend I understand it. Most people aren't used to seeing transracial families and for the most part people are just curious and not so openly disgusted with us. This gentleman paid for his groceries and went out to his car- we were still in line. There were not real checkers because it was getting late- so everyone was waiting to check out in the "self checkout" lanes. Anyhow- it is my turn and I am hobbling up to check out my groceries and this gentleman walks BACK into the store after dropping off his groceries to come in and yell at me. He asked me if the kids were mine and I said yes. And he proceeded to tell me that I wasn't taking good care of them and that Elijah's hair was awful, and that I needed to be educated on how to take care of African American hair. I tried to explain that I have gone to great lengths to learn how to take care of his hair- and that we had been outside playing in the dirt all day- and Elijah had been rolling around outside which would explain his messy 'do. He told me that obviously what I was doing wasn't enough and blah, blah, blah. I tried to just smile and let it roll off my back while I was there in the store. You have to remember that there were 20 other people in line behind me waiting to check out their groceries, and I was hobbling around on a majorly messed up ankle trying to check out my own groceries, while he is yelling at me in front of my kids and the entire rest of the store. HUMILIATING!!!! I finally got us all out to the car and I just got so...mad/frustrated. I would NEVER presume to go up to ANYBODY- black, white, asian or otherwise and yell at them about their kids. And I have seen so many families at the stores whose kids look messier and more unkempt than mine. It just makes me crazy that I can literally not go anywhere without being scrutinized by someone. I feel like my kids have to look absolutely perfect wherever we go because otherwise we get blasted by both black and white. Kids should be able to be kids. They shouldn't have to feel like they need to be completely perfect at ages 4 and 1. I think it just sets them up for major self esteem issues later on. And NO adult should ever yell about my kids in front of them. SHAME on that stupid, stupid man. I understand that not everyone in this world is ok with families being different races- but for crying out loud- this is 2010! If the world is screaming for equality- than you can't keep judging! You can't scream for equality- and then give families like mine such a hard time just for loving each other. I can guarantee you that if I were black- he would not have come up and said anything to me. Or if my kids were white- he would have not thought anything of it. But because we aren't- he just got all fired up. Enough so that he had to come back into the store and yell at us. I think it just upset me more this time because of all of the medical worries and other stresses that I have been dealing with. SO! After this whole long, crazy, boring post- I will restate what I said at the beginning. Some days I wish I were invisible and that me and my darling babies could just shop at the blasted store in peace.
