My daughter is having identity issues. I am feeling so upset and so frustrated that I just don't even know what to say about it. I am so in love with my daughter that I can hardly breathe. She means more than anything to me. When God sent her to me- I KNEW- that she was meant for me- period. I never questioned it. McCarrey and I set out at that point to make it our mission in life to make sure that as she grew up- she would have more love and attention than any kid alive, and that we would do our very best to make sure that she had good self esteem and a sense of pride in who she is. We take her to every "cultural" thing that we can find. I bought several pieces of artwork depicting african american culture to hang around my house so that she would know that I recognize that culture as beautiful. We joined transracial family playgroups. And every single day- hundreds of times a day- I take my beautiful baby girl in my arms and tell her how much I love her and how beautiful I think she is.
I realize that my daughter is only three years old. I know that it's normal for kids to feel a little backwards and test the boundaries to see where they fit in. But the other day Kennedy said something that just broke my heart. I had tucked her in bed with stories, songs and prayers, and she called me back into her room and said she wanted to talk to me. I sat down on her bed and she looked at me with her bog brown eyes and said, "Mommy- how come I have to have all this black all over me? I don't like it and I want to get it off." We then- for about the millionth time had the conversation about how Heavenly Father makes everybody different. But that we are all his children and he loves us all the same. We talked about how beautiful her pretty brown skin is, and how Heavenly Father picked it out special for her. And on and on. By the time we were done. She told me that she was glad that she had brown skin because she thought it was beautiful.
Since that day- she has not stopped asking me about how to get the black off of her. She told me that she wished she looked like me. Can I just say- It makes me want to cry. No matter what I say- she won't stop bringing it up. Then- came the biggest kick in the gut ever. I was talking about it to a church member who had the NERVE to say to me (WITH KENNEDY STANDING RIGHT THERE!!!) that, "If I was faithful enough Heavenly Father would turn her white someday." ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME?!?! I could feel my face turning red and the heat creeping up my face. I felt nauseated and like I was going to start calling her horrible four letter words and deck her right in the face. She went on to say that "Heavenly Father promised that if the black people were faithful that he would lift "the curse" and that they would all turn white." I went on to say that I thought that was ridiculous and how beautiful my children are and that I would never want that. I love my chocolate babies. I watched Kenna's face- and wondered how confused that asinine statement must have made her feel. I felt like it was going to cause some racially based identity crisis for my THREE year old- and had to leave just stuttering how ridiculous that was. I am just so mad and so hurt- and so worried about my Kenna.
Let me just state- for the record.
I CHERISH my children. I didn't know that God would send me black children- but he did- and I am forever grateful. I feel like being their mother has given me a glimpse of the Celestial Kingdom- where we really are all brothers and sisters- and race and social status and all of this insane nonsense doesn't exist. My children have opened a whole new world of thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and friends. I am proud of their roots- and where they came from. I am excited to be learning about a different culture of people- and in a small way being part of it. I love learning how to care for her hair and skin. Sure- our family gets a lot of extra stares and sometimes insensitive, or bigoted comments...but I would take that and a million times more to have my children with me. And for all the stupid people out there who have a problem with that- or try to tell my kids to be good- or they'll never get to be white- they can just go to Hell.
Any good ideas on what else I can do to help Kennedy- I would really appreciate it. She seems to be really going back and forth right now. And I just want to help her the best that I can.
20 comments:
Oh Shannon...I'm so sorry! That comment at church just absolutely FLOORS me. I'm surprised you kept your cool, I really would have lost it on her. In fact, if you could give me her number, I would like to call her and set her straight. :) Did you ever order that DVD 'Blacks and the Priesthood' that was put out by the church? We did, and it has changed so much of my view on everything, and helped me know how to respond scripturally to people who have this false view that black people are cursed and that one day they will be perfect and 'white.' (I remember as a teenager someone bearing their testimony that the black members who did lots of temple work had their skin become whiter.) Grrr. Anyway, enough anger from me. Let me know if you want to borrow the DVD's, they are amazing. But, back to your bigger issue...Little Miss Kennedy loves her mommy so so so much, and thinks you are beautiful, and wants to be just like you. That I think attributes to what a good mommy you are. It is natural for her to want to be like you in every way. Have you shown her pictures of her birthmom (Do you have any)? You could tell her how beautiful her birthmom is, and point out that is where she got her beautiful brown skin. I think it's hard, especially here where practically everyone is white-I know that when Sisi sees any black people she just stares. Do you have any black adult friends who could give advice? Let me know if you want to get together sometime we could brainstorm and let the kids play. :) (mommymeliss@gmail.com)
Oh my heck Shannon! I know we hardly know each other but I am reading this an my heart goes out to you. First - I am astonished at the things people can say. That is unreal that people even think that way??? You have much more self control than me because I would have probably been arrested after meeting that person :) Second - kids are so hard no matter what. Never in my life would I have guessed what being a parent really meant and the heartbreak and worry we would have over these little ones trying to give them the world and protect them from it at the same time. I have no strong words of wisdom for you except to say that you have a world of resources and people who love you to help you through. Hang in there!
I don't know what to say. Poor baby! She is beautiful. Best of luck with the situation. I wish I had words of advise...
Shannon, if you wanna take out a hit on that person at church, I know a guy. Just say the word. Just kidding (but only if you want me to be). I cannot believe how insensitive people are. I had a thought about what to do for Kenna though... can you point out all the amazing people who are African American (President Obama) and all of the great things they have done? Maybe that will help her see that its okay to have dark skin? I really think you are doing everything right. You love your children and that is the most important thing.
Oh that's beautiful Cam, trying to give our kids the world and protect them from it at the same time.
I am so sorry you have to deal with such idiots Shannon. I am shocked whenever you tell me a story like this, but I guess by now I shouldn't be. I loved your comment about getting a glimpse of the celestial kingdom where we are all brothers and sisters and all these barriers don't exist. I got that sense many times before hanging out with you and Kenna and Charlotte and thought how amazing it will be when we are all hanging out in heaven and these earthly issues will seem so trivial.
Thank you.
That is sad! poor Kennedy!
I think you are doing a great job at letting her know that she is beautiful and that Heavenly father made every one different and special. I don't think there is any thing else you could do. My brother is black, and when he was little, he would say things about his skin and hair. But he is totally fine with it all now. I remember he didn't like his hair, and he would wish he had hair like ours. He said "I want hair that moves"
But I think all kids in some way wish they looked like some one else. It's normal. I always wished I had dark skin. I hated my white skin. people would talk about my skin and how pale it was or in school some people called me the albino chick.
I think you don't have any thing to worry about, she will be ok.
Honestly I really think that most people are very accepting of other cultures, colors, and what not. There is just very few that aren't.
I wouldn't worry too much, she will fit in and be just fine.
Hang in there, you are doing great!
I'm sorry I have no words of advice to give you...but I have to say I'm jelous! I have ALWAYS thought that black babies are the most adorable. I love my boys, but when they come out they are just FLK's (funny lookin kids) I have never seen a black baby be an FLK. Hopefully Kennedy will come to realize how beautiful she is and NOTHING about her needs to change. I'm sure that your words of love will soon sink in. Good Luck!!!!
Both of your little chocolate babies are absolutely stunning! I love them both! You are a great mom, and I am so sad that someone had to share, with Kenna there, something that sounds so narrow minded, and sounds nothing like something our loving Heavenly Father would even agree with. He loves all of his children equally!
P.S., what is your e-mail?
Ok, I checked and the gadget that you add is called a blog list. Let me know if you have trouble. I'd be happy to come over and help.
Hello,
I would encourage you to read a book by Darron Smith titled "Black and Mormon". It is a collection of essays from Black LDS members discussing the issue of race that still exists in the Church today. The so called "Curse of Cain" is false. I would challenge your fellow members to seek the truth and recognize religious folklore for what it is. Unfortunately, this issue "race" has not been properly discussed and still continues to cause pain when in the hands of what I will call an unintentional racism. Because we live in a fairly homogeneous Wasatch front, we are not forced to engage in the discussion of race. Therefore most people are ill-equipped to communicate with any sort of articulation in this matter. Know that you are not the only one to have to deal with stupid people and the best thing to do is study “race” and arm your children with truth. Because you will be forced unfortunately to fight this battle again.
Regards,
Krissie & Floyd Clark
Parents of two wonderful Black children.
Shannon, I love you. I love my sweet Kenna and Elijah. I am so sorry for the people in this world that are ignorant and stupid and pieces of @#%! And I KNOW the person in question most assurdly has NO idea the impact that she made with her assanine comment. Your sweet little 3-year-old should NOT have had to hear that and go through the confusion that came along with the statement. People are stupid. Kenna is beautiful and I love her chocolate skin all to pieces. I'm sorry for all of this, Shan. :( I wish I could say more.
wow. I thought that story was so appalling I read it to my husband, who also thinks it's appalling.
I'm so sorry!
Oh my heck! I haven't ever heard that-if I have, I've probably brushed it off as ignorance. Sorry someone said it to you and Kenna! (I had a friend who kept having miscarriages and her babies pass away and someone told her that if her and her husband went to the temple a lot then that would stop happening and they'd be able to have children. The nerve and ignorance of some people astounds me!) So rude and thoughtless! I always wanted darker skin! My relatives are Hawaiian and Tahitian and I always envied their beautiful hair and skin! I agree with Melissa that she loves you so much and wants to be like you. Maybe you can get some things that are the same. Like matching socks or earrings or bracelets... Sometimes it's just little things that will set their mind at ease! (I let Karah sleep with one of my new makeup sponges last night and it worked-she went right to sleep! Crazy!) Maybe look for and point out similarities each day like look mommy's hair and Kenna's hair are both in ponytails today or I love how you smile when you watch..., so does mommy! Anyways, good luck!
Shan I have the same problems with my girls all the time and I have Sam in the house so I don't know if having african american adults makes a difference. I think you are doing a great job with Kennedy, but I know exactly where you are coming from. My girls always say they want hair like mine or skin color like mine. I just keep telling them we white girls would kill for your beautiful curly hair and that beautiful dark skin. Not having to deal with perms and tanning beds. I did try curling my hair like theirs a couple of times just to illustrate the point and it did help. I have always told my kids that they shouldn't listen to what anyone says because the only opinion that matters is the one they have of themselves. Sometimes its hard, but it won't last. I would love to get the girls together to play. They were bummed she wasn't with Elijah at my Moms!
Shannon that just hurts my heart. I can't believe someone would say that period much less in front of Kennedy. She's truly one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen. I wish I could offer advice, but I'm no help. Just know that we totally lover her to pieces!
Shannon, I"m so sorry that Kennedy and you had to hear comments like that. Kennedy is a beautiful little girl who loves her mom so much! I think you are doing a wonderful job with her. She is a sweetie!
Shannon, I am so sorry to hear that happened. It makes me so sad and angry. You are doing a great job. Kennedy wants to be like you because she loves you so much. I think April's advice is great. Both of you have similiar things like socks and ponytails or matching necklaces. She wants to be like you because she loves you. Again, I am sorry. I am so glad you have your beautiful children and that you our part of our lives. Anéla loves Kennedy!
Thanks for visiting me - I do know who you are now that I have seen your blog. Erin has talked about you and your cute family, she adores you. Thanks for the prayers. I still can't believe I am 'stuck' here. :( We'll get home, just not as soon as I thought. Thanks again!
Shannon, Nobody is more loved than Kenna and she knows and feels that. You and Mac are SUPER parents and do a fabulous job with the kids. Kenna, like all kids is searching and discovering and noticing things, and her skin color will be part of her discovery. Yes, there are ignorant people who will make comments, but I have no doubt that Kenna will be fine. She is a confident person who is loved and secure in the life that you and Mac provide. As she grows she may question things, but what kids don't? She will never question that she is loved. You are teaching her to treasure her heritage and she will. Don't worry, she is gonna be fine! You know that I love her like CRAZY!!!
WOW, I can not believe someone actually said that! What I would give to have a little chocolate baby...they are SO adorable! The only thing I can say is I would just tell them they are extra special, that's why they are brown...just like vanilla icecream is good, but chocolate icream is even better...:). People can be so cruel! People said things about Chels and sometimes I wondered where their brains were. Unlike Kena, Chelsea never really understood...well, that we knew of! You are an amazing mom and I know that you'll know exactly what to say and how to help her...I'll pray Heavenly Father in what ever way helps her to understand how special she is! Next time I'm up...I'll call you and Kaylie can go have a BLAST with her and she'll see it doesnt matter! :) I love you girl!
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