Identity Crisis

My daughter is having identity issues. I am feeling so upset and so frustrated that I just don't even know what to say about it. I am so in love with my daughter that I can hardly breathe. She means more than anything to me. When God sent her to me- I KNEW- that she was meant for me- period. I never questioned it. McCarrey and I set out at that point to make it our mission in life to make sure that as she grew up- she would have more love and attention than any kid alive, and that we would do our very best to make sure that she had good self esteem and a sense of pride in who she is. We take her to every "cultural" thing that we can find. I bought several pieces of artwork depicting african american culture to hang around my house so that she would know that I recognize that culture as beautiful. We joined transracial family playgroups. And every single day- hundreds of times a day- I take my beautiful baby girl in my arms and tell her how much I love her and how beautiful I think she is.

I realize that my daughter is only three years old. I know that it's normal for kids to feel a little backwards and test the boundaries to see where they fit in. But the other day Kennedy said something that just broke my heart. I had tucked her in bed with stories, songs and prayers, and she called me back into her room and said she wanted to talk to me. I sat down on her bed and she looked at me with her bog brown eyes and said, "Mommy- how come I have to have all this black all over me? I don't like it and I want to get it off." We then- for about the millionth time had the conversation about how Heavenly Father makes everybody different. But that we are all his children and he loves us all the same. We talked about how beautiful her pretty brown skin is, and how Heavenly Father picked it out special for her. And on and on. By the time we were done. She told me that she was glad that she had brown skin because she thought it was beautiful.

Since that day- she has not stopped asking me about how to get the black off of her. She told me that she wished she looked like me. Can I just say- It makes me want to cry. No matter what I say- she won't stop bringing it up. Then- came the biggest kick in the gut ever. I was talking about it to a church member who had the NERVE to say to me (WITH KENNEDY STANDING RIGHT THERE!!!) that, "If I was faithful enough Heavenly Father would turn her white someday." ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME?!?! I could feel my face turning red and the heat creeping up my face. I felt nauseated and like I was going to start calling her horrible four letter words and deck her right in the face. She went on to say that "Heavenly Father promised that if the black people were faithful that he would lift "the curse" and that they would all turn white." I went on to say that I thought that was ridiculous and how beautiful my children are and that I would never want that. I love my chocolate babies. I watched Kenna's face- and wondered how confused that asinine statement must have made her feel. I felt like it was going to cause some racially based identity crisis for my THREE year old- and had to leave just stuttering how ridiculous that was. I am just so mad and so hurt- and so worried about my Kenna.

Let me just state- for the record.

I CHERISH my children. I didn't know that God would send me black children- but he did- and I am forever grateful. I feel like being their mother has given me a glimpse of the Celestial Kingdom- where we really are all brothers and sisters- and race and social status and all of this insane nonsense doesn't exist. My children have opened a whole new world of thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and friends. I am proud of their roots- and where they came from. I am excited to be learning about a different culture of people- and in a small way being part of it. I love learning how to care for her hair and skin. Sure- our family gets a lot of extra stares and sometimes insensitive, or bigoted comments...but I would take that and a million times more to have my children with me. And for all the stupid people out there who have a problem with that- or try to tell my kids to be good- or they'll never get to be white- they can just go to Hell.

Any good ideas on what else I can do to help Kennedy- I would really appreciate it. She seems to be really going back and forth right now. And I just want to help her the best that I can.

Cute Kids-

My life is so fun right now. I am so exhausted that I can hardly see straight. My son is up all night long- as most new parents are fully aware of...and every time that he wakes up screaming- by little girlfriend wakes up too. But- with all of the diapers and the spitting up and the rare moments of precious alone time with my awesome husband- I am loving my life. Kennedy is so sweet with her little brother. She is constantly kissing him and cooing at Him. I love it.
So- Yesterday I was just crazy tired. I seriously wanted a nap SOOO bad- but Kenna's energy was out of control and she just wanted some mom attention. I finally got Elijah down for a nap- and Kennedy was playing with some toys in her room- so I went to the bathroom for 5 seconds of peace and quiet. So- I'm in there just soaking up the silence when Kenna barges in the bathroom and starts chattering about who knows what. I start trying to tell her - hey there girlfriend...ya don't just barge in the bathroom on people...and she comes up to me with these BIG huge gorgeous eyes and says to me..."Mommy...you are the prettiest mommy in the WHOLE world!.......Except for right now." HA! I just started cracking up! I thought that was so hilarious! What a kid she is.


Elijah just continues to delight me. He is such an EASY baby compared to Kennedy. Kenna had some major issues as a baby and screamed right through her first few months. But Elijah just chills. Don't get me wrong....he'll completely let me have it if he feels it's warranted...but then he'll give me the sweetest little smiles and life just feels good. I never in a million years thought I would get to have a son. I mean- with adoption- it's just a miraculous thing that anyone would be willing to entrust you with their child...and when we were matched with His birthmom and we thought it was a girl- I just thought that was it. BUT- he has been an absolute joy- and seriously the best surprise gift ever!

Mmmm! My delicious chocolate GQ baby!! What a stud!

Goodbye Charlotte

To our sweet Boo- We love you. You will be missed like crazy! We are so happy that you get to run and dance and play- and not be tethered down by your little body that kept you here. We can't wait to see you again- riding Molly and singing at the top of your lungs. We are so grateful for the chance that we had to get to know you- and to celebrate every moment of your life. You have truly touched our souls in more ways than we could express.

"They are idols of hearts and of households;

They are angels of God in disguise:

His sunlight still sleeps in their tresses,

His glory still shines in their eyes;

Those truants from home and from heaven,—

They have made me more manly and mild;

And I know now how Jesus could liken

The kingdom of God to a child. "

We love you Erin and Zar-

Quick Update-

I am in love with my children. I think it is safe to say that I am completely whooped. My family brings me insane amounts of joy. Aside from the fact that I married the perfect man- who completely rocks my world. I have two of the cutest little monsters that ever graced the Earth. Kennedy was so funny last night. We bought her a cabbage patch doll to talk more about adoption and taking care of a new baby and whatnot. We talked about how special the baby was because Kennedy could "adopt" her and how adoption is forever. Then later on that night Kennedy was "feeding" the doll- and I said "Kenna- what makes that baby a SPECIAL baby?..." and Kenna says, "Because she has lots of yarn in her hair like me!...oh- and she's adopted."..... Oh...oh yeah! Adopted...but the yarn hair is the cool part.....HA! Too funny.
Elijah is getting bigger by the second. He is starting to wake up a little bit more and more each day and we are starting to get to see his little personality more often. I can't wait for those first little grins and coos. Just try and tell me that just looking at him doesn't make you want to snuggle him!

Aside from all of the exhaustion of no sleep- while entertaining a three year old we had "hair" adventures this week. Kennedy got ahold of a pair of scissors and decided to go to town on her hair. AHH!!! I love that little girl more than anything--but after spending 10 hours braiding those braids in...and walking in the room seeing her little mullet... I wanted to die. BUT! It all turned out good in the end. I took the opportunity of having to braid sooner than I thought- and called up the amazing Kristin. (Who in my mind is supermom.) She also has adopted children and took it upon herself to learn how to care for their hair- and learn different styles- and she is so gracious and wonderful to share her talents with the likes of me...who has no idea what I am doing most of the time. ANYHOW- to make a long story short- I went over to her house for a couple of hours- and received some instructions and now my beautiful little girl has a new 'do. I LOVE the curls. I think it is so sweet and feminine. Kennedy also loves it- and is always shaking her head to make the curls bounce. It is really delightful. I love learning new things that I can do for her hair. And- as my first attempt at curly hair... I don't think it turned out half bad. (Makes me wish I could get away with doing it to my hair.) This picture is Kenna's hair after taking out all of the braids and salvaging what was left of her hair after the scissors.

And TA DA!! The finished product! YAY for new hairdo's!!

We are Praying for you Boo

Erin- if you are reading this- I just want you to know that I love you. You amaze me. You are such a wonderful mom and the greatest friend. I know that you are going through Hell right now. Just know that even though you are spending hours alone up at the hospital- and it feels like the whole entire world is moving on without your family...you have SO much support- and so much love coming your way. We love Charlotte so much. We are so grateful to have her in our lives. We are praying for her fast recovery- and for your peace of mind. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
And to anyone else reading this...take a minute and say a few extra prayers for Charlotte. She is fighting RSV in the ICU at Primary Childrens-and needs the extra help.

My little stud...

Here is my sweet little Elijah- what a stud!! He just makes me so happy when I look at him. He seriously has me wrapped around his little fingers- and my heart is his. I took these pictures a couple of days ago- and thought I would share. His birthmom is a HUGE basketball fan- so these were for her. Maybe a premonition of things to come?...or maybe just DANG CUTE!!!

I LOVE this picture. These three are the loves of my life. The three most important people in the world. The ones that I live and breathe for. It just makes me so happy when I look at it. Life is just good.

Boy oh BOY!!

Our baby is here!! YAY!!! But...Surprise! It's a boy!! Weight: 6lbs 13 oz Height: 18 3/4 inches. You seriously could have knocked me over with a spoon when our little Elijah made his grand entrance. We have been preparing for months for a girl... I had even gone so far as to put a pink and purple canopy over the crib. We showed up at the hospital for the delivery with bundles of pink blankets and sleepers. But- God had different things in mind for us and when Elijah popped out his little head and promptly peed on the doctor- they were like "Holy Crow- girls can't shoot like that!" And the whole room just squealed in surprise. We of course were completely thrilled. Anyhow- the moment we even heard our birthmom's name- I said to McCarrey- I don't even know the situation or if there are problems or anything- but that's the birthmom for us. She must have felt the same way because she picked us out of all of the profiles that she was given to choose from. She had had three different ultrasounds...and EVERY single one of them missed our little man! (And frankly I have NO IDEA how they could miss him! He is VERY obviously all boy!) But all of us went ahead thinking and preparing for a girl.Right after we got matched with her, I kept telling McCarrey- that I thought I would be content with just two beautiful girls- but that I just kept feeling like we had a boy coming. We had to find a way to be able to do it again- because all I could think about was a boy- and that he must be really jealous that this girl was going to be coming first. Little did I know that I was just being prepared for him to come then. All I can say - is that I truly know that this little guy was meant for our family. I know that this was God's way of telling me that HE is the one who will decide who goes where. And I know that it's not just any boy that was supposed to come- it was only Elijah. I wouldn't trade him for a million girls! We are just barely home from the hospital today. It had been an emotional roller coaster like none other. Our birthmom was so brave and courageous. I spent hours and hours with her- and she was able to tell me exactly how she was feeling as she placed him into my arms and hugged us goodbye. I know that it ripped her apart. I know that she loves Him- and I will forever be grateful to her. I am so glad that we were able to develop a relationship and that we will be able to keep up contact with her. God has given us so many awesome blessings! This adoption has once again reminded me of the fact that we are all here on the Earth as brothers and sisters...race, and status, and lifestyles and all of that other stuff isn't important. Just being good to each other is. I can never repay her for what she has given me. Now comes the hard part- no sleep and lots of diapers. And I can't wait.