Ok- I realize that is has been forever since I have updated. I just have been feeling a little crazy the last little while. We have had a lot of really fun things- and other things not so great- but that's life right?! So- I am officially back at work- which was a very difficult decision for me to make. I REALLY wanted to just stay home...but something about spending almost 30K to adopt our little Elijah- made me think that I ought to tough it out for at least a little while longer- until we can get our debt down a little bit and our nest egg up a little bit. Going back to work was good- in that I work with the best people on the planet. Seriously- they are really incredible- but leaving my kids after being home with them for months...that was a beast.

Before I went back- we decided to take Kenna to Disneyland for a weekend. And no joke- that's all it was. We were there for just a couple of days- but she loved it- and her Momma loved seeing the ocean! It had been SOOOO many years since I had seen an ocean and I was craving it. Elijah did amazingly well on the flight over- and was a perfect angel while we dragged him all over the parks. I still think that I prefer Disneyworld- but I will definitely say that it was nice not having as long of a flight as we do when we go to Florida.

Mothers Day was good. My husband and kids spoiled me rotten with breakfast and flowers and letters and cards. My husband bought me an awesome necklace and spoiled me with a gift certificate to my favorite spa. Ahhhh spa..... ok-ok- just had to have a moment there... It was a great day. Other than the fact that I had to speak in church- I enjoyed just spending time with my family.

Now for the not so good stuff. I am really worried about my son. I know that a lot of moms seem to just worry about everything all the time- and maybe there really is nothing to worry about....but my son isn't growing. He is almost 4 months old- and he BARELY weighs 10 pounds. He seemed to grow pretty good for the first month- but since I took him in at one and a half months- he has only grown 1 centimeter and gained a total of about 5 ounces. The doctor told me that for the first 4 months they should gain about an ounce a day. The kid eats like a horse!-but for some reason his body is not getting anything out of it. I have been taking him into the doctors almost weekly for weigh ins- and I have been trying to pack in extra scoops of formula into his bottles so that he will get extra calories- tracking every single ounce that we feed him- and searching and searching on the internet to try and figure out why a newborn won't grow...but that is where it sits. The Doctors say that if he doesn't gain in the next two weeks that we will start doing some more tests. We have already done some at the hospital- but not as in depth or detailed as it looks like we might have to do. I am really scared about the whole thing. Feeling really sick- like a pit in my stomach. It drives me crazy when I see people in the store and they come up to me so they can coo at Elijah and the first words out of their mouth are "Oh! He's getting so big!" and I just want to say- "No- he isn't! He hasn't grown even a little bit since the last time you said that and I don't know why- and I am scared- and want to just scream!" But I don't.

We also had a death in the family- McCarrey's grandma passed away- and it was completely unexpected and devastating. We will miss her like crazy! She was such a fiery woman- and I adored her. Well- that's about it for us. If any of you guys have any ideas on how to pack the pounds on my little guy- I am ALL EARS!!

Quick Update-

Sigh... I am back at work now after three GLORIOUS months of maternity leave. Can I just say to everyone how grateful I am for my AMAZING managers at Continental who were so wonderful to me and arranged for me to be able to be home with my kids. It was awesome to have so much mommy time and even though it kills me to have to go back to work- I am glad that I have such a great job to go back to. It is amazing how expensive adoption can be- and now that I have racked up thousands in debt... I have to go back to work to pay it off. I am so lucky that I only have to keep part-time hours though. And in all honesty- if I have to work anywhere- I am SO glad that I work where I do. I love the people that I work with- and the job is actually pretty fun. But...being a stay at home mom would be funner. Once I get my kids paid off....who knows!



I had the AMAZING experience this week- of being with a darling couple and sweet birthmom as she told them that they would finally be getting a new addition to their family. It literally made me cry. I was worried that I would be the sobbing one at the table- it brought so many memories and feelings back for me as I thought back on when I first heard that my sweet babies were coming. We introduced the couple to the birthmom and she ended up choosing them over everyone else she saw. Adoption is such a miracle to me. Anytime you can meet a perfect stranger and have such a strong connection that she feels comfortable in giving you her child...that to me is more than just circumstance. It was so neat to me to watch it from a different perspective this time. Seeing things more from the birthmother's perspective- and really trying to focus on her...while at the same time- wanting it so badly for the adoptive couple- and knowing just how up and down their emotions were on that crazy roller coaster ride. Being with them and seeing their reactions when she told them that she had chosen them to be the parents was a wonderful experience. So neat. I am so grateful for our birhmom's- and for the hard decisions that they had to make. I am so grateful for my kids. They have completely changed my life. So to Blake and Amanda- Congratulations!! I am so thrilled for you- and I can't wait to meet your new little girl!

Happy Easter!

Isn't this the most AWESOME picture! It seriously cracks me up! I laugh myself to tears every time I look at it.

I guess it is about time that I got around to posting all of our Easter adventures. I love Easter because it reminds us of the Resurrection and the rebirth of everything. I love watching the flowers come out and seeing the sun a little bit more. This year was no exception. McCarrey and I started early doing little Easter projects with Kennedy- and trying to help her understand the real reason of Easter- and not just the kid themed parts. We did plenty of that too though- so I think we got a pretty good balance. I have a DVD of the old clay-mation movie of the Easter Bunny and it is narrated by Fred Astaire. In it- Fred Astaire's clay figure does some classic dance moves and it absolutely delights me. I am almost embarrassed to admit that I just took crazy delight out of watching this stupid clay figure leap and spin around. Needless to say- Kenna has watched it around 500 times this month, so I will probably be set until next Easter rolls around.

Neil and Annie made a spur of the moments visit this month- YAY!! We had so much fun! We took the kids to the Children's Museum and to Kangaroo Zoo- which they LOVED, and all of us went out to eat at Teppanyaki...which I loved. I was so glad that they came down because we have missed them like crazy and I was excited for them to meet Elijah.

Oh my goodness he is SO SWEET!

We decorated Easter eggs on Friday and it was a grand and glorious MESS! Every egg was covered in dye, paint, glue, glitter, beads, stickers, and all sorts of goop. Bleh. Definitely not the kind of Easter eggs that you decide to peel and eat later. But the kids all loved making them. And I enjoyed watching them. We made a complete mess of the kitchen- but all in all it was great. It all started out as nice clean fun...and got messier...and messier until we were all covered in slimy goo. But it was so fun.

Our finished products...does it make you want to crack one and eat it right now?! Yup...me neither.

On Saturday we had an Easter Egg Hunt and potluck with some friends. It was kind of sad because we got rained out and ended up having to party in the church cultural hall instead of outside in the yard. But I think it was great anyway. The kids seemed to really have fun together and it was nice to hang out with friends. We are so lucky to be in such a great area with lots of fun couples and cute kids for Kenna and Elijah to team up with!

I love this picture of Mac and Zar with the kids. LOVE the bunny ears- so cute!

Kennedy picking up her treats at the Egg Hunt.

Elijah hanging out with his two bestest home-girls. What a stud he is. They were a little two young to join in the hunt- but they were sure sweet hanging together. After the hunt we teamed up with Erin, Zar, Katie and Alex for a night of Rockband. How much better does it get?! All in all- we had a great Easter with lots of family, friends and fun.

Getting better!

Well- My sweet little girlfriend hasn't completely stopped her questions...but I think we are making headway. Thanks SOOO much for all of the suggestions and encouragement. I have been reading all of the different books for a few days now- and am loving all of the insight that I have gained. Race is such a tough issue to tackle- because in one way- I just want to shout at the top of my lungs..."Who the heck cares?! It is just COLOR! It's not like the World is going to blow up!" and then on the other hand...the world has made such a HUGE issue out of it- that it can't just be ignored- it needs to be addressed with care and tact, because my baby girls self esteem is tacked onto it. Ugh. I do have to say though- I am so grateful for the different playgroups and friends that have embraced Kennedy and I. I know that being around more kids and playing is helping her a lot.

Yesterday my sweetie sent me off to the spa for a day of pampering with Erin. He is the best! I mean honestly can you imagine a more perfect man! He watched the kids- and Erin's sweet baby Ella, while we melted into a pile of goo on the massage tables. MMM! I love being with Erin. I could just sit around and watch info-mercials on the Spanish channel- and have the best time with her- she just carries joy with her. So- doing fun stuff like spas was even better. This picture is of Elijah and Ella. So cute! I swear- it's too bad that we are out of the dark ages and I can't just demand arranged marriages.

Elijah is such a lover-boy! He just coos at me and I jump like a puppet.

Oh! Before I forget! Kennedy today was on my bed watching Pinocchio and Elijah started fussing and I could tell that he was getting hungry. So I started trying to prep Kenna telling her, "I'm just going to be downstairs for a few minutes...and if Elijah starts to cry- it will be ok- you can just give him his binkie...and I am just going to go and make a bottle- but I will hurry really fast...etc.." Anyhow- Kenna looks at me and puts her hand on her hip and says- "Mommy! I am 3 years old! I'm not a child!" HA! I about died! I just started laughing. I was trying to keep a serious face- but she was just so insulted that I thought that she couldn't handle taking care of the baby. She has been so fun- and is so sweet with her baby brother. I really have it all. Amazing husband, kids, and friends. How can it get better than that?!

Identity Crisis

My daughter is having identity issues. I am feeling so upset and so frustrated that I just don't even know what to say about it. I am so in love with my daughter that I can hardly breathe. She means more than anything to me. When God sent her to me- I KNEW- that she was meant for me- period. I never questioned it. McCarrey and I set out at that point to make it our mission in life to make sure that as she grew up- she would have more love and attention than any kid alive, and that we would do our very best to make sure that she had good self esteem and a sense of pride in who she is. We take her to every "cultural" thing that we can find. I bought several pieces of artwork depicting african american culture to hang around my house so that she would know that I recognize that culture as beautiful. We joined transracial family playgroups. And every single day- hundreds of times a day- I take my beautiful baby girl in my arms and tell her how much I love her and how beautiful I think she is.

I realize that my daughter is only three years old. I know that it's normal for kids to feel a little backwards and test the boundaries to see where they fit in. But the other day Kennedy said something that just broke my heart. I had tucked her in bed with stories, songs and prayers, and she called me back into her room and said she wanted to talk to me. I sat down on her bed and she looked at me with her bog brown eyes and said, "Mommy- how come I have to have all this black all over me? I don't like it and I want to get it off." We then- for about the millionth time had the conversation about how Heavenly Father makes everybody different. But that we are all his children and he loves us all the same. We talked about how beautiful her pretty brown skin is, and how Heavenly Father picked it out special for her. And on and on. By the time we were done. She told me that she was glad that she had brown skin because she thought it was beautiful.

Since that day- she has not stopped asking me about how to get the black off of her. She told me that she wished she looked like me. Can I just say- It makes me want to cry. No matter what I say- she won't stop bringing it up. Then- came the biggest kick in the gut ever. I was talking about it to a church member who had the NERVE to say to me (WITH KENNEDY STANDING RIGHT THERE!!!) that, "If I was faithful enough Heavenly Father would turn her white someday." ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME?!?! I could feel my face turning red and the heat creeping up my face. I felt nauseated and like I was going to start calling her horrible four letter words and deck her right in the face. She went on to say that "Heavenly Father promised that if the black people were faithful that he would lift "the curse" and that they would all turn white." I went on to say that I thought that was ridiculous and how beautiful my children are and that I would never want that. I love my chocolate babies. I watched Kenna's face- and wondered how confused that asinine statement must have made her feel. I felt like it was going to cause some racially based identity crisis for my THREE year old- and had to leave just stuttering how ridiculous that was. I am just so mad and so hurt- and so worried about my Kenna.

Let me just state- for the record.

I CHERISH my children. I didn't know that God would send me black children- but he did- and I am forever grateful. I feel like being their mother has given me a glimpse of the Celestial Kingdom- where we really are all brothers and sisters- and race and social status and all of this insane nonsense doesn't exist. My children have opened a whole new world of thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and friends. I am proud of their roots- and where they came from. I am excited to be learning about a different culture of people- and in a small way being part of it. I love learning how to care for her hair and skin. Sure- our family gets a lot of extra stares and sometimes insensitive, or bigoted comments...but I would take that and a million times more to have my children with me. And for all the stupid people out there who have a problem with that- or try to tell my kids to be good- or they'll never get to be white- they can just go to Hell.

Any good ideas on what else I can do to help Kennedy- I would really appreciate it. She seems to be really going back and forth right now. And I just want to help her the best that I can.

Cute Kids-

My life is so fun right now. I am so exhausted that I can hardly see straight. My son is up all night long- as most new parents are fully aware of...and every time that he wakes up screaming- by little girlfriend wakes up too. But- with all of the diapers and the spitting up and the rare moments of precious alone time with my awesome husband- I am loving my life. Kennedy is so sweet with her little brother. She is constantly kissing him and cooing at Him. I love it.
So- Yesterday I was just crazy tired. I seriously wanted a nap SOOO bad- but Kenna's energy was out of control and she just wanted some mom attention. I finally got Elijah down for a nap- and Kennedy was playing with some toys in her room- so I went to the bathroom for 5 seconds of peace and quiet. So- I'm in there just soaking up the silence when Kenna barges in the bathroom and starts chattering about who knows what. I start trying to tell her - hey there girlfriend...ya don't just barge in the bathroom on people...and she comes up to me with these BIG huge gorgeous eyes and says to me..."Mommy...you are the prettiest mommy in the WHOLE world!.......Except for right now." HA! I just started cracking up! I thought that was so hilarious! What a kid she is.


Elijah just continues to delight me. He is such an EASY baby compared to Kennedy. Kenna had some major issues as a baby and screamed right through her first few months. But Elijah just chills. Don't get me wrong....he'll completely let me have it if he feels it's warranted...but then he'll give me the sweetest little smiles and life just feels good. I never in a million years thought I would get to have a son. I mean- with adoption- it's just a miraculous thing that anyone would be willing to entrust you with their child...and when we were matched with His birthmom and we thought it was a girl- I just thought that was it. BUT- he has been an absolute joy- and seriously the best surprise gift ever!

Mmmm! My delicious chocolate GQ baby!! What a stud!

Goodbye Charlotte

To our sweet Boo- We love you. You will be missed like crazy! We are so happy that you get to run and dance and play- and not be tethered down by your little body that kept you here. We can't wait to see you again- riding Molly and singing at the top of your lungs. We are so grateful for the chance that we had to get to know you- and to celebrate every moment of your life. You have truly touched our souls in more ways than we could express.

"They are idols of hearts and of households;

They are angels of God in disguise:

His sunlight still sleeps in their tresses,

His glory still shines in their eyes;

Those truants from home and from heaven,—

They have made me more manly and mild;

And I know now how Jesus could liken

The kingdom of God to a child. "

We love you Erin and Zar-